Monkey Gone Wild

Today Porter and I laid down for a nap together.  Well, I fell asleep and Porter didn't.  I woke up to Gabe screaming about Porter chasing him with butter.  What?  Unhappily, I get out of bed and go see what Porter is up to.  Sure enough he has a stick of butter mushed in his hands and is smearing it on everything, including his brother, his own clothes and hair, my cell phone, the couch, the throw pillows, Gabe's legos, our wooden train track and trains, not to mention the walls, and carpet.  Seriously, I'm so mad at him right now I could spit nails!  The wild thing is locked in his room right now so he can take the nap he should have been taking earlier (and until I don't feel like drop kicking him across the state of Ohio).

I don't know what it is about that kid and food today.  The butter incident happened only hours after the honey incident this morning.  While I was in the shower Gabe busts through the door screaming that Porter is chasing him with the honey.  What?  Porter's chasing me with the honey!  Well, go take the honey away from him.  Minutes later Gabe is back in the bathroom with the confiscated honey bear.  Mom, he's still chasing me with honey on his hands!  Now, Porter comes running into the bathroom with honey smeared in his hair and holding his hands out in front of him like a zombie.  Porter, come here I yell, but he ignores me and goes straight for Gabe who's now backed into the bathroom corner screaming like a little girl.  Porter starts rubbing the honey that he thinks is on his hands (but it's actually now in his hair) onto Gabe.  Gabe is inconsolable even though no honey actually got on him.  Both kids end up in the bathtub, Porter needs the honey washed out of his hair and Gabe needs to be assured there is no honey on his physical being.  I'm really thinking Porter just likes to see Gabe run and scream like a girl.

Another recent example:
Gabe: (screaming like a girl) Mom!  Porter's squirting me with a water gun!
Me: It's not going to hurt you if you.  Besides, how many times have you squirted him with the water gun?
Gabe:  But he's getting the water out of the toilet!

Oh, and then there was the pillow pet slaughter.  That's right, our kids got pillow pets for Christmas.  Gabe got a frog and Porter got a monkey.  The other night when John went in to check on the kids after they had gone to sleep, guess who wasn't asleep?  That's right.  Porter.  He was busy pulling all of the stuffing out of his monkey and throwing it all over the bedroom.  We even had to take stuffing out of his mouth.  Is it considered cannibalism for a human with monkey powers to eat a stuffed monkey?  Savage two year old.

I really shouldn't give Porter our out of control monkey child all the attention here.  So here's a couple of Gabeisms to end this post:

While wrestling with daddy . . .
John: Eeeew gross, you just tooted.
Gabe: Yeah, that's my secret weapon!

Gabe: Mom, when am I going to have finesse?
Me: Uh, gee, I don't know exactly when one acquires finesse.  Why exactly were you wondering this?
Gabe:  So I can play board games like daddy.